Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

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  ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?

  WITNESS:       No, I just lie there.

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  ATTORNEY:   What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

  WITNESS:       He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

  ATTORNEY:   And why did that upset you?

  WITNESS:      My name is Susan.

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  ATTORNEY:    Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

  WITNESS:       Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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  ATTORNEY:    Were you present when your picture was taken?

  WITNESS:       Would you repeat the question?

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  ATTORNEY:    So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

  WITNESS:        Yes.

  ATTORNEY:    And what were you doing at that time?

  WITNESS:        Uh...

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  ATTORNEY:    How was your first marriage terminated?

  WITNESS:        By death.

  ATTORNEY:    And by whose death was it terminated?

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  ATTORNEY:     Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

  WITNESS:        No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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  ATTORNEY:     ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

  WITNESS:         Oral.

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  ATTORNEY:    Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

  WITNESS:      The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

  ATTORNEY:    And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

  WITNESS:       No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

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  ATTORNEY:     Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

  WITNESS:        No.

  ATTORNEY:    Did you check for blood pressure?

  WITNESS:       No.

  ATTORNEY    Did you check for breathing?

  WITNESS:       No.

  ATTORNEY:    So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

  WITNESS:       No.

  ATTORNEY:    How can you be so sure, Doctor?

  WITNESS:        Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

  ATTORNEY:    But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

  WITNESS:       Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.